28th September 2018 at 12:16 pm #186
So about 6 months ago I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me with someone I used to know from school.
I broke up with him and it’s been really tough. I’ve just started seeing someone new but I’m so nervous all the time. Every time his phone goes off I panick and look at the screen (which I knew I shouldn’t do) to see who it is.
Will I ever be normal again? I just want to trust him because he’s such a good guy but I dunno. I just feel really worried it might happen again
28th September 2018 at 2:47 pm #191
Cheating is the hardest thing to get over, in fact – I’m not sure we ever recover from it.
You NEED to keep reminding yourself that it was never because you done something wrong or that you could have been better. The issues and reasons lie with your ex. He was the one in the wrong. Instead of working on his own patch of grass he jumped to next doors because it looked greener and better. I can bet you anything that he now regrets it and wishes he had worked harder loving and nurturing his is patch of grass.
Sorry for the weird grass analogy haha.
Explain to this new guy that you do have these insecurities and you know he isn’t the same as your ex, however your heart is still very raw and blocked away due to that. It may give him some understanding as to why you panic every time his phone pings.
Try not to tarnish him with the same brush, some men truly are just arseholes that were never good enough for you.
Thinking of you – sending lots of positive thoughts! Xx
28th September 2018 at 2:54 pm #193
Thanks Elsey. You’re right I know he wasn’t the one for me and he obviously has his own issues it’s just so hard sometimes remebering that all men aren’t the same – especially when you hear so many horror stories!!!!!
28th September 2018 at 3:00 pm #194
Oh my gosh willow – feel for you, been there and it HURTS.
You’ve been single for 6 months, it’s so important you give yourself time to heal and re-find yourself. Mine happened two years ago and I’m only just over it (I thought I was better before I was though!)
Does your new man know about your past? Like elsey said I’m sure he will understand if you talk to him so he can reassure you more.
It does get better I promise
1st October 2018 at 8:50 pm #201
Hey Amelia. I followed your story and your blog posts helped me so much.
I’ve told him a little about my ex but not the full extent of it. I’m worried if I do then he might think I’m broken or a freak.
4th October 2018 at 11:13 am #211
Well… It may sound harsh, but maybe, if he cannot accept your story and you as you are, he is not the one for you?
I have not been through being cheated on, but when I was 24-29, I went through a streak of guys who all disappeared on me. Things were going great for weeks and then BOOM, they were gone. Ignoring me in public (many of them I had to see due to university). This broke me and scarred me as I truly felt that there was something so wrong with me that everyone just left without explanation. This in turn made me more and more anxious when meeting someone new (and I am very anxiety prone anyway)
So when I met Guy One and fell madly in love, this naturally made me anxious. However, whenever I tried to get some reassurance from him, he just brushed it off or made me feel worse. Especially when the moment came after 2-3 months when I thought that a decision was needed as to whether we were exclusive or not, and he said that he was not ready to decide. And after that he also became inconsistent and often blew off plans etc. During that time I also had a really shitty time at work and I developed an actual anxiety and panic disorder – full blown panic attacks every day, 5-6 times a day. So I felt like I really needed him and his reassurance, but he just did not give it to me, saying that I wanted too much, making my situation so-so much worse. He just did not want to go forward and did not want to end it either (I guess having someone to sleep with regularly was the reason). I put up with it for way too long, because I was so in love and he was also able to manipulate me into thinking that he was the good guy, but he just was not sure about us due to my mental health and so I just had to try harder. And boy, did I try harder. I put so much effort into him. But even I had to admit at one point that it was not going anywhere. So I left him. And was totally heartbroken.
And almost immediately after this, I met Guy Two, while still being a total (unemployed – I also quit my job) mess. Still anxious, still insecure. Complete mess. But I decided to let it all out thinking that if he can deal with this, it will show me whether he is worth it and wheter he was reliable, because I was just SO done with trying to impress anyone and/or being with someone I could not count on.
And he dealth with it amazingly. And has been my rock for the past year, while I got over my anxiety, then developed depression, then had to go through a really bad withdrawal from antidepressants (the antidepressants also caused me to gain 40 pounds.. yay). But he supported me in every possible way and never made me doubt his feelings and commitment. We recently decided to start building a house together and are thinking about family and everything. Some may say that it has been only a year, how can I know already, but I do know exactly because I have shown him all my broken parts and he can handle them.
I really like what someone said somewhere about screwing up beginning relationships “It is really hard to screw up the right thing”.
This has been somewhat of a rant and English is not my first language too, but I hope that you understood what I was trying to say.
- This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by Lizzie.
5th October 2018 at 7:52 pm #216
Thank you Lizzie, sounds like you found a good one. Really happy for you!
2nd October 2018 at 7:59 pm #206
Something similar happened to me. My boyfriend of 2 years and I were in a long distance relationship since May. He came to visit me for over 2 weeks in July and since he left, puff, he kinda disappeared, not calling or texting me for weeks. We then decided to break up and 2 days afterwards some random woman messaged me on Facebook to say my boyfriend was going out with another woman. I confronted him about that and he confirmed, saying “he had decided it was going to end between us”, even if I was the one who actually had brought up the topic and decided to break up rather than playing hide and seek.
Anyway, this is to say, I understand you. We broke up a month ago and I still wonder how he could do this to me. You think someone knows you well, we have been through a lot together, and then you don’t have the guts to just say things as they are? I fear being able to trust someone again. Also, turns out my now ex-boyfriend got cirrhosis because of how much alcohol he was drinking… Which I never noticed… So clearly I didn’t know him as I thought I did.
But I am hopeful that with time we will be able to trust someone again. It takes time, and as said before in the thread, talk to your new boyfriend about it. He may think you are a freak… And then it means he won’t be the right one. The right guy will understand you and support you just as you need. Good luck 🙂
5th October 2018 at 7:54 pm #217
What an awful story – I’m so sorry you had to go through that 🙁
It’s horrible isn’t it.
Have you read the article on here on how to get through the two weeks of heartbreak as it’s pretty new for you – it might help. I thought it was a really practical article.
I didn’t shower for three days when I found out!!!
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